Common Divorce Urban Legends
1. "I'll quit my job before I pay you that much
support." Not likely. This is usually an attempt to bluff you into a
lower support amount. Ask your attorney whether you should "call"
this bluff. Document the statement right away. Write down the date,
circumstances and exact words used. Better yet, if the spouse sends
this to you by e-mail or, in a letter, save it for use as evidence.
Judges do not tolerate this kind of bullying and they can find
interesting and painful ways to send that spouse the message.
2. "It doesn't make sense for us to be paying two lawyers; it's just
a waste of money that we could otherwise keep. Let's just both use
mine." Aside from the obvious conflict of interest here, the spouse
making this plea wants to control you and the process by controlling
how much advice and information you get. Don't fall for this. Good
legal advice and representation may not be inexpensive, but often
its value is priceless.
3. "You have no right to take what's mine away from me." Usually
refers to a pension earned by the complaining spouse. The error is
that it's not just his/hers: earned during the marriage, it belongs
to both of you. Your request for half of that is fair and the law
entitles you to it.
4. "I'm taking the children to North Carolina (or Texas, or some
other place) and filing the case there." If the other parent makes
this threat, and actually does move without your permission, it's
time to get into Court quickly because they might actually get away
with this, at least in part, if you wait too long to do something.
There are different rules for which "jurisdictions" can do what,
with regard to: children, property, and marital status.
5. "You'll never see the children again." Usually an attempt to get
you to stay in the relationship. California law presumes frequent
and continuing contact with both parents is a good thing, so this is
seldom a legitimate threat.
6. "Your attorney is just running up your bill with all these
documents he's demanding that I provide. Call him off." Any family
law attorney is going to need to see documents which relate to your
and your spouse's financial situation. Otherwise, the attorney can't
advise you on what you should expect or demand. Trust your lawyer on
this.
7. "You didn't work a day during our marriage, just stayed home and
took care of the kids. Hell will freeze over before you get a dime
of my retirement." Usually it's a husband who makes this threat,
since stay-at-home moms still outnumber stay-at-home dads (about
4-1). A spouse making this threat has no power to make good on it,
since the court can and will just order the employer directly to pay
the stay-at-home parent.
8. "I'll go to jail before I pay support to you." Jail time is among
several tools the judge has available to enforce a support order,
but it's seldom necessary. This is a common bluff. For anyone with a
paycheck, it's easy enough to extract support involuntarily, but
most people just pay it.
9. "I'll only pay support if I know the money is going to the
children. I want receipts for everything you spend that child
support check on." California law does not require the supported
parent/spouse to account to the other for how the money is spent.
Period.
10. "If the court finds out how you've behaved, you'll never see the
children." i.e., back off or the mud slinging begins. Family court
judges aren't outraged by a lot of things your spouse thinks are
outrageous: your promiscuity as a teenager, a several-years-past
drug habit, infidelity, moderate drinking, etc. These are things
which the judge realizes don't reflect poorly on your parenting
qualifications, so he/she doesn't take them seriously.
11. "We'll do this like I say, or else...?" This legend is usually
capped off with a threat of withholding money in the form of support
and, sometimes, less frequently, a veiled or a direct threat of
harm. The law exists to ensure justice and fairness as between
adversaries of unequal strength, funding and sophistication.
Attorneys work diligently to see that the law is applied to their
clients' best advantage. This process works. Let it work for you.
12. "I'll litigate you into bankruptcy. I'd rather pay my lawyer
than yours so don't expect me to compromise on anything." It is
true, many spouses threaten this hoping you will give up and run.
While this is unfortunate that people use such tactics, there are
legal techniques to stop the spouse from going forward with this
threat. A good attorney can push a case forward to trial. The court
can sanction a delaying spouse employing these tactics, making them
pay your attorneys fees.
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